one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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