The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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