I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
