I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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