i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
