there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
