The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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