I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Vodka?
Forever.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
