I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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