I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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