I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
