If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
