I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
