I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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