And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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