I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
