i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
