Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
either way he was missing a nipple.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
