So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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