I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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