Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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