Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize