I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well I just put wine in my tea
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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