you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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