If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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