She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize