Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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