Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
