Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
