Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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