Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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