Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Damn victory sex feels great
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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