Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
