I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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