We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
