dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize