i already hear my dad disowning me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So. Much. Porn.
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