so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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