Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
