I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
