can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
