if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
