the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
