Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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