Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize