My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize