upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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