So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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