Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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