I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
