She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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