I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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