How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
