My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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