I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
