I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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