i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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