I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
