i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
bring money and cleavage
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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